silent room.

I was sitting in that silent room, eating a pear.  It was cherry blossom week. I just arrived home,  silence spikes were passing trough me like lighting during a summer storm pass trough the sky. I wasn’t feeling well, I was so helpless. I looked by the closed window the sunlight fall on the new born leaves of the spring plants. From my side of the widow, everything were silent. I was able to hear the noises of the other side. An empty body like mine rather stay in silence than take the risk to break apart in the lively noises of this world. I thought: I do fear other human beings, their habits, their feelings, their thoughts their needs. I wish I could put them all in a Huge glasse ball and watch them from the outside. Stay in my own silent garden that none human can reach. It such a pretentious thought, as a god watching the Earth from the sky. 

But is it really? If there is someone watching us from far away it must be such a lonely creature. 

I have put myself there, all alone, even if it’s pitiful to be that lonely creature, I rather that then be all helpless in front of the others. I fear they’ll know me enough, find all my weakness, play with them and then break me.  

When people love you, it's like you don’t have the rights to not love them back.  Not when they told you that they wouldn’t be able to live if it wasn’t for you. 

This is too heavy. I don’t want to touch anyone, and I don’t want to be touch neither. It feels like putting someone to a jail made of feelings and guilt... I can't think of anything worse.
Even if I dreamt a thousand time of being able to touch and being touch. Maybe I’m a coward but I don’t think I’ll be able to take it. 

So I rather be alone.

Rather I?...