Ink heart

I keep telling myself that things will get better if I act. I keep scolding myself about how much I shut up when I should talk, keep calm when I should scream, keep quiet when I should stand for myself. I said to myself countless time “ I won't let anyone walk over me ever again whoever that person may be”. I keep telling myself that I won't let people ignore my existence anymore nor stick whatever they want to me as “what I should feel/feel like” in their opinion.
I've felt empty and alone for many years. I felt like the unwanted thing, or rather the side thing you go to when you need to but for whom you're never there when it needs you. And every single time I feel ashamed of thinking that way, ashamed, egoistic and evil. In the end I'm stuck into my “pre-made” reactions. I wish I could say things clearly. “I'm mad at you” “I need you” “I miss you” “I feel like I'm dying inside” “help me” “get away from me” “you're wrong” “stop” …. all those Oh so simple sentences. I can't seems to get them out when I should. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of hurting people and I'm afraid of being hurt. I've felt so alone for so long. I have friends, I love them they are wonderful. I have a family, I am NOT alone. But still I feel like a ghost. I feel like no one really hear or see me for who I am. I am responsible for it, I know. I hide myself all the time, I'm so very scared to be left alone. Because I've been before and I'm still bleeding from it. I want all my precious moments to last forever, but they don't. I want to break those toxic links I have with some people.

Today I've been told “I'm happy, you are not like me, you don't feel so alone and sad. You don't guilt yourself over everything...” And I just nodded. And when the person left I felt like a traitor to myself.

“ I won't let anybody ignore my ever again”? Ha... what a joke.

I'm a weakling.

What is a rain drop to you may be the end of the world for someone else. Who am I to judge myself?